she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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