Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
