On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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