the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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