to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
