Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
