3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
