I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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