Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
