It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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