I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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