my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
