Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
