Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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