I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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