apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
