my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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