Sry I called you an 8
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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