dude i'm inner monologue high
the condom got lost in my hair
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
