I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
