I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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