Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
