I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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