I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
