She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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