Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
