I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
