im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
