He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize