My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
