You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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