There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
