I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
