I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
