my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize