So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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