There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
