Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
