just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
