So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
