I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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