Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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