the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
this boner is exhausting
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
