happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
