I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
