4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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