we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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