How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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