If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
