I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
