just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize