Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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