Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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