"it" just moved
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
