Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
