I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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