My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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