she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
