i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
